Why great people undervalue themselves
A deep dive into the psychological reasons why we sometimes shortchange ourselves and how we can master situations in which we feel small due to circumstances
“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”
📣 John Joseph Powell, Jesuit priest and author (1925-2009)
Maybe you agree that some people appear to believe that they deserve nothing less than the absolute best.
And chances are - they get exactly that!
While this might be an extreme level of confidence, not everyone has a strong sense of their own self-worth and sometimes we end up shortchanging ourselves as a result of it.
So why do we sometimes not see our true value (despite being fantastic individuals)?
Strong predictors of a positive self-assessment are past validation and reinforcement of beliefs. This means, the more we have been mirrored back the value that we inherently have and bring to the table, the better our sense of self-worth. I would love to say that self-esteem could come solely from within, but this would not be fully true.
We tend, at least to some extent, to cognitively adopt what others consistently - either directly or implicitly - communicate about us. We all need a bit of encouragement from the outside as it’s a crucial means of validating the beliefs that we subconsciously hold about ourselves. If you’re an attractive person both appearance and personality-wise but no one approaches you to be your friend or romantic partner, then I assure you this will inflict self-doubt - no matter the objective facts.
Not feeling seen or recognized for who we are is traumatic to our self-esteem and self-identity. We’re all validation seekers at our core. And if you’re familiar with the Rosenthal effect, you know the repercussions of having developed a negative self-image due to lack of external validation.
The Rosenthal effect
Without positive reinforcement from our environment, chances are our life begins to unfold like a self-fulfilling prophecy in that we begin to a) believe that we’re only destined for mediocrity and to b) also become exactly that - a tepid version of ourselves not realizing our fullest potential. A teacher doubting the ability of their student will only reinforce self-doubt and thereby discourage behaviors leading to success.
Various research studies lend strong support to the validity of the Rosenthal effect. For example, why is it that school leavers from underprivileged backgrounds are significantly less likely to attend university? Of course: There are different angles to this very complex problem but it’s only plausible that lack of outside encouragement and not being shown a realistic path to make use of one’s talents play a life-changing role.
The Hawthorne effect
Humans, to reach their fullest potential, must feel seen and recognized.
In the 1920s, experiments in American electrical engineering and manufacturing company Western Electric Company confirmed that productivity increased significantly when the factory workers knew that they were being observed (this is known as the Hawthorne effect).
Although there’s potentially also a fear-based element to this effect (fear of being observed and not meeting expectations, and thus performing better), researchers stressed the striking positive effect of attention and recognition on worker productivity and satisfaction.
The dangerous consequences of being caught in a loop of being undervalued - and how to break out
Needless to say, it’s highly dangerous to be stuck in a loop of not being recognized and of undervaluing ourselves as a result of the limiting beliefs indoctrinated into us. To stop the cycle, we need to find a way to break out. Every loop has a loophole, but how can we find it?
Standing up for ourselves in whatever form is scary, hence we’re so often deterred from doing it. It’s critical to weigh our immediate feelings of being afraid with the long-term emotional, mental and even financial costs of not acting in our own best self-interest. Then, we need one decisive push past our fear.
While I’m certainly not perfect at this, the following practices help me identify why I’m playing small and how I can change my course of action through self-reflection.
Practice 1: Give yourself more credit
In any situation not going according to plan, I tended to take all accountability upon myself, which distorted my view of how the situation really unfolded. I made myself small due to easily accepting blame and accountability. Now I make lists to visualize and objectify how I contributed to a situation (vs. “them”) and I have 20/20 vision again. I find this technique very powerful to identify when we’re being gaslit into taking on more than our fair share of accountability and to let us regain confidence by illustrating what we actually did very well. Before I give someone else too much power, I glance at this list.
Practice 2: Ask self-reflective questions
Whenever I faced a situation where my intuition was on high alert, the following questions let me know early on if I was losing sight of my own value.
If I engage in a specific behavior or accept a proposed course of action, how would I feel about myself? Would I feel empowered? Would I feel taken advantage of? (Dis)respected?
What’s in it for me? This question is powerful. It reminds us to not lose sight of our wellbeing. Especially for us empaths, this question and way of thinking can feel utterly uncomfortable, but probably not quite as uncomfortable as finding ourselves in an unequal situation where the other party is benefitting disproportionately off of us. Before agreeing to something, ask yourself this question and your intuition will give the answer for you. Listen to that inner voice.
Practice 3: Stop catastrophizing
Catastrophizing is a fear-based mentality kept alive by the assumption that any mistake will result in outcomes of catastrophic proportions - a mentality that I’m super familiar with. It’s a distorted assessment of the likelihood of occurrence of such adverse events. Taking action in your own best self-interest - not playing small - gives you a chance to improve your current situation, whereas remaining passive does nothing but cost valuable time while further propelling the errosion of your self-respect. Stop it now.
If you catastrophize, you willingly bear the opportunity costs of passivity and rob yourself of better circumstances.
Practice 4: Assess past events through the lens of time
In the midst of emotional turmoil it’s hard to see clearly but in retrospect we may recognize that we actually acted in line with our integrity a lot of the times. Sometimes, we’ll find that we didn’t actually undervalue ourselves but that we were presented with a particularly difficult set of challenges that we needed to navigate as best as we could. We weighted different options and sometimes this meant not standing up for ourselves because the situation didn’t allow us to. We needed to put our own self-interest aside for the sake of a higher and more important objective. In this case, we were being strategic. Often looking back, we can also identify why we acted small in light of the circumstances and learn from this self-reflection going forward.
Practice 5: Most importantly - Change environments
Determine how you can break out of the environment that makes you feel miserable. Everyone who has had a career-limiting boss before knows: No amount of managing up or actions taken in good faith on your end will be of significant use - the only way to end this unfortunate constellation is to change professional environments. The same is true for toxic friends, partners and even family members. Sometimes the only way up, truly is out. If a rose doesn’t grow, you change the soil - not the flower.
Final thoughts
When we undervalue ourselves, it’s often due to outside influences chipping away at our self-esteem. Sometimes, supportive voices are missing that tell us “you can do this”.
As trivial as it sounds, the power of verbal encouragement, mirroring and support are not to be underestimated. We can apply certain techniques, intuition and mental hygiene to detect situations that aren’t good for us, but the most impactful action that moves the needle is detoxifying our life from people that hold us back.
If you’re an upright person with many gifts, chances are there are many attempting to dim your light. There’s nothing wrong with you that attracts these vampire-like creatures. They take from you because you have what they lack.
But removing yourself from their sphere of influence will give you back clarity, confidence and make you more impermeable to their unchecked survival mechanisms.
It takes continuous mental and emotional work to value ourselves as we deserve. Knowing very well that it’s so hard, it makes me profoundly sad when I see someone either actively or passively (by not giving what is deserved) holding someone else back - I’ve experienced this myself many times. These situations happen and they will (unfortunately) continue to happen.
Feeling disappointment when we realize someone is betraying us is very normal - and contrary to widespread belief valuing ourselves doesn’t always feel great in the moment.
It sometimes means to walk away from something that is valuable to us.
The good: It’s empowering to identify what’s going on and to thwart a perpetrator’s plans, denying them the satisfaction that they appear to need like oxygen to survive. Nothing trains the brain to accept nothing less than a “no” in the right situation. We all deserve to say “yes” to ourselves and to be treated with respect, kindness and appreciation.
In the long-term, you’ll always know that you made the right decision by chosing you and allowing no one to negotiate down your worth.
Change happens one moment at a time.
RELATED: FROM THE ARCHIVES
An important discussion. It's hard to assess value without external input, and this is true for things and people.
You know you're beautiful when others say you are; you know you're intelligent when others judge your ideas as so. These need not be many, but the truth is that it's hard for something to be true of not a single person says it is.
To some degree, value is in what people see and say. Even commodities are judged by consumers, not those who make them.
Earlier on, I wrote articles on here that few people read. But with time, my pieces are being seen more and attracting appreciation. All of these posts have value; I know because I wrote them. But this perception gets to be affirmed for some only because they could be seen, and this makes a difference because what I thought gets to be confirmed.
We are social creatures; what others think matters. Be confident, know and think your things, but have others assess them as well. Generally, value is the outcome of the collective judgment of an ecosystem.
Many are valuable, but what cannot be seen cannot be valued. That's why we need people who see us. Their feedback matters. With products and commodities, that's why marketplaces exist - and these are now global, thanks to globalization and the internet.
Thank you, Katharina, as always.
My parents constantly affirmed me growing up and that had all the difference in the world on my development. I wouldn't be where I am today without them. They gave me a lot of confidence in myself. My wife didn't have that same luxury, and I can see sometimes that she has moments where she should be a bit more confident in herself when she isn't. That's why when I have kids I'm going to affirm their value as much as possible.