On feeling out of control and what to do about it
How we can accept our dependence on the actions of others and how to regain meaning and direction when we feel powerless
Growing up, we often think that certain things will just come easily: Finding friends, finding relationships, forging our careers. And sometimes, this is true. These things might just happen and unfold naturally.
However my guess is more than occasionally, we might also find ourselves trying to come to terms with superficial connections, a non-committal “the grass is always greener” dating culture and feeling stuck in our career choices without an exit strategy.
We realize that we’re independent beings but simultaneously also interdependent and even dependent on others. We feel out of control in many situations because… we are! It’s not just on us anymore to determine our success or failure as success and happiness don’t happen in a vacuum. It can be frustrating and very disheartening to learn that we can be perfectly fit or qualified for something only to still not achieve it because of contrary motivations and behaviors of others.
As all human beings are inherently complex and flawed (including ourselves), trying to anticipate let alone control the actions of others amounts to a task of Sisyphus dimensions: It cannot be achieved. We can do everything right - and still be disappointed in situations where decisions are made not just by us. It’s a part of life but a very difficult one to accept, especially when we find that our efforts and good qualities go unnoticed.
In his book “Lost Connections”, Johann Hari explains that depression is often related to exactly this feeling of being out of control. He lists several causes for feeling depressed and out of control and explores how we can rediscover our connection with ourselves, thereby rebuilding a life with meaning and purpose, one that we feel more in control of despite the circumstances. Four of these causes (and ways how we can alleviate them) are:
1. Lost connection to meaningful work
Hari explains that the less we can determine our workloads, the type of work and the less we’re involved in corporate decision making processes, the more prone to anxiety and job dissatisfaction we tend to be, and the higher the risk of living on “corporate autopilot”. Essentially, when we’re made to feel like machines (“human resources” in the truest sense of the term) instead of capapable individuals with untapped potential, we lose meaning and purpose in our work. We eventually lose sight of what we can do and who we are professionally.
While we focus a lot on pay as a measure of appreciation, we often deprioritize job characteristics that would give us fulfillment beyond mere monetary gratification: Flexibility, empowerment, a good corporate culture and team climate, the possibility to be recognized. Without doubt: Money is a determinant of professional satisfaction and will always be important for good reason, but it becomes all the more important the more it needs to serve as a compensation for everything else that’s lacking. Higher salaries are normally indicative of higher opportunity costs (lack of work-life balance, more responsibilities that come with a more political work climate).
A holistic assessment of our work requirements will indicate what’s most valuable to us and if we need to make a change.
2. Lost connection to meaningful values
If we’re profoundly unhappy and feel like we’ve been placed on the passenger seat in our own life, checking in to see if we’re still in touch with our core values can be pathbreaking. To give you an idea, core values may include (not exhaustive and all are legitimate):
Autonomy / Community / Challenge / Learning / Creativity / Friendships / Kindness / Self-respect / Spirituality / Harmony / Self-expression / Wealth / Status / Fun
…
Looking deep into what is truly reflective of who we are and who we want to become is key to leading a successful life. A simple rule of thumb to go by: What gives us energy is what’s in alignment with our core values. Do we feel alive and invigorated? If yes, that’s our sign that something is in tune with us. The art in life is to become a collector of such experiences, a collector of emotions that make us feel alive and in control of our life story.
3. Lost connection to like-minded people
How often have we heard that we should be "cool" with casual connections and never be overbearing or needy? I know, I’m slightly exaggerating, but still: The current culture appears to promote superficiality, "touch and go" relationships and an "everyone is replaceable" mindset.
While we have to live with it and find a way to adapt, all of us have social and emotional needs, one of them is having deep and emotionally close connections with others. The consequences of denying our social and emotional needs - often through societal vilification of words like neediness and the glorification of being cool, unattached and aloof - include feelings of deep loneliness despite surrounding us with many acquaintances, masking our authentic selves and a general skepticism towards opening up in a meaningful and vulnerable way at all.
Focusing on quality instead of quantity in terms of relationships is essential, and discernment when identifying like-minded people helps to build our support network slowly and organically over time. When we feel seen again, I mean truly seen, in our relationships, that’s when we feel that we’re important and that we do have the power to make a difference in our life.
4. Lost connection to nature
Big city life can take its toll on us. We’re living beings in a jungle of stone buildings that’s often loud, hectic, anonymous. Even if we’re not living in an environment made of concrete, juggling the increasing demands in our lives can easily prevent us from connecting with our senses. Nature does exactly that for us - appealing to vision, smell and hearing - and gives us presence of mind. It’s incredible how important sensing (instead of thinking and judging) is to our mental wellbeing. Presence of mind and overthinking are mutually exclusive. In nature, we focus less on feeling out of control. Instead, we’re determined to get to our next destination: Perceiving, sensing what’s the right path and taking one step after another to get there. If we tackled life with the same approach, we’d feel more calm and optimistic.
The importance of looking for things that are in our control
In addition to the ideas and concepts by Hari, seeking out and pursuing what we still do have full control over can be eye-opening. Despite being dependent on others in many areas of our lives, there are still activities that foster our self-sufficiency and that we can use to change our emotional and mental state for the better. Some of my favorites include:
Discovering an activity that combines focus with fun
Anything that involves the two elements of 1) focus and 2) fun is a magic activity. Focus gets us in a flow state and having fun releases extra serotonin and dopamine. These activities raise our vibration from worry and fear to enthusiasm and joy - and our subjective perception of feeling out of control will dissipate.
Pulling the plug on comparisons
Without our continuous strive for more and need to compare ourselves to others, we might probably be quite content with what we have. The hustle to get and the fear of not getting can overtake our lives. All this is very human, but if it makes us miserable and out of control we need to pull the plug on our self-destructive thoughts. Sometimes, all it takes is the removal of the reference points (comparisons) that make us unhappy.
In addition, a great way to re-center ourselves and to find gratitude for what we have is volunteeing: It reconnects us with basic human needs of physical safety and belonging and recalibrates our sense of what is enough [I’ve personally planted trees before and packaged Christmas presents from donations to underprivileged children, and both experiences were extremely rewarding.]. Almost paradoxically, the cure to obsessive thoughts of not having or not getting enough is actually the opposite: It’s giving.
Learning a new skill (& building a side hustle)
We all have hidden talents that we’re currently not exercising. Chances are, we might be ignoring skills that would not only align with our personal values but that could also be built organically into an own business or side hustle. Developing our skills while having fun doing it and seeing how far we can go from there without force is key: Just the process of working on our skills and observing our development can instill a sense of taking our own power back and of being in charge of what we do.
Continuing professional education
While I’m not a fan of overdoing this, having one or two professional certifications can have a great signaling effect and increase our value on the job market. Especially if we’re looking to change jobs and want to have a more powerful position when negotiating salary, these certifications do have actual monetary value in my experience. In addition, obtaining a certification can give us a feeling of progress and confidence in our abilities - and that’s often what’s needed to take the next steps when we feel stuck.
Final thoughts
Navigating life is not easy nowadays: We have more opportunities than ever but we still depend on others to be able to access the majority of them. This can be scary and make us feel out of control. Human beings aren’t made to sustain in chaos for long. We need to have an internal locus of control at least in some areas of our life.
In the end, all human beings have similar needs, some of which can only be met in conjunction with others. Until we meet “our people”, connecting with meaningful work and values, to the right people and nature can help us with this, and we can identify activities and courses of action that help us become as emotionally and professionally self-sufficient as possible.
Ultimately, feelings of being out of control are best countered with a strong sense of self-control.
RELATED: FROM THE ARCHIVES
1 & 3 are major for me. Lost connection to meaningful work and lost connection to like minded people. Meaningful work is something I've been struggling with the moment I started working (already 9 years ago) - I can't seem to find a job that feels meaningful enough to me. But I discovered I can find this meaning in writing - which is awesome.
Lost connection to like minded people is something I'm experiencing more the last couple of years. I worked a lot on myself and changed. But that means losing connection with my friends - they didn't change as I did, so there's a kindoff mismatch going on. I still love them, but I crave deeper connection with more like minded people.
Thank you for another great piece!
It is like balancing between asking for help and doing things on our own.
I resonated with the focus on stuff like finding meaningful work and good relationships, so we can feel more in charge. By finding this balance, we can feel more in charge of our lives and handle tough situations better.
The journey is ours to travel and sometimes, we are the ones with the answers that no one can provide.
This article caused me to re-examine, thanks for this Katharina.