On aggression: Why it is so common in our society, and so uncool in my personal opinion

Are we all secretly characters in the tale of Peter Pan?

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash.

I’ve received many beautiful comments and messages from you responding to my recent post on triggering people. Your messages gave me a lightbulb moment. They made me realize that there’s yet another aspect to this article that deserves further exploration and discussion, namely the high level of underlying (passive) aggression in our society and in our lives in general.

As the title of this post might already suggest, I don’t like other people’s aggression. Or more specifically, a need to destroy, project unchecked emotions and a tendency to build oneself up by making others feel small or deliberately keeping them from succeeding. That society has become more aggressive and egocentric is a generalization, but it’s one that’s relevant and common enough because most of us have probably felt deflation or toxic shame when at the receiving end of such unfiltered emotions before. If you are currently experiencing this, I feel you and I hope your situation will improve very soon.

What concerns me even more than the fact that aggressiveness with all its detrimental consequences does occur, is that its not only normalized but even glorified in our personal and in our professional lives. While “Nice Girls (still) don’t get the corner office” by Lois Frankl is admittedly one of my go-to books due to its easy-to-grasp, hands-on advice for professional development, on a subconscious level I still struggle with the demonization of kindness versus the glorification of being ruthlessly self-maximizing. Call me weak (I can accept that), but I couldn’t just throw someone else under the proverbial bus. There is this inner block that prevents me from being egocentric beyond a certain degree. Unless potentially faced with an absolute fear of survival, being an upright human being is of more value to me than any prospective reward, monetary or otherwise. I value mutual respect and think that one does not lose by being kind, quite the opposite. You might say: But there’s a difference between being nice and being a doormat. You are of course spot on.

There’s a strong case to be made against not having any boundaries or being a pushover, but the current general trend in society fostering egocentrism at the expense of almost everything and everyone is plain wrong. I get the feeling that we’ve lost our grip on how people should treat each other, we’ve lost our understanding that managing one’s own emotions is a necessity and displaced anger is a transgression.

Let’s recap on the main causes for aggression:

• a) Low self-esteem: People building themselves up by putting you (or anyone) down.

• b) Envy: Related to a) but you’re more likely singled out as the target of the aggression because of your traits and qualities.

• c) Unmanaged emotions: On the meta-level, unmanaged emotions and lack of skill to channel negative emotions in a constructive manner cause aggression to overflow. While a) and b) might be the driver of the aggression, c) is the floodgate.

Who is more likely to be at the receiving end of aggression?

As a woman myself, it pains me to say but women are on average more likely to be targeted for victimization. We are the weaker gender naturally by our biology but the suggestion that we need to mimic men’s behavior to be respected is ridiculous. Studies underline that women regularly experience “manterrupting”, “mansplaining” or otherwise subtly demeaning behavior in the workplace (although not only there) and that it has become normalized to the extent that many are not even aware. Talking over a woman, dismissing her ideas prematurely or calling her competence otherwise into question are forms of aggression, as is holding women to different standards than men. “A woman should…” is not a valid statement because such normative questions of what should or shouldn’t be (have to) apply to men just as well.

Minorities

Apart from women, if you belong to a minority due to your religion, ethnicity or sexual orientation (list is not exhaustive), you’re more vulnerable as utterly unacceptable as that that is.

Studies highlight that kind, empathetic and generally well-liked people are more often the target of bullying and harassment. This is closely linked with the “envy” cause listed above. It has also often been discussed that empaths and HSPs often struggle with setting firm boundaries. As a HSP myself, I know how much stress setting boundaries creates for my nervous system - I do it nevertheless - but showing even absolutely necessary “counter aggression” when our boundaries are crossed has physical effects on us. In any case, being empathetic and finely attuned (and as a consequence not being super inclined to engage in meaningless aggression) should never be seen as a permission for others’ disrespect.

***

There should be a baseline of respect towards anyone completely irrespective of appearance, health, ability, gender, race, sexual orientation or neurodivergence. If it’s a no brainer why do we still need to fight for it? Why does the LGBTQ community still need to raise awareness - should it not be normal in the first place to accept and respect any human being as they are? Why are so many campaigns for women’s rights still needed? And why does society villify kindness and compassion as weaknesses or associate these traits with lack of confidence when they should actually be seen as indicators of a strong character and a good personality?

I refuse to promote the glorification of aggression - in my mind it’s the “most uncool” thing society has brought upon and which has proliferated in recent years.

On role models and true leaders

Role models with a strong personality and equally strong core values are currently (too) rare (Michelle Obama comes intuitively to my mind). It seems that rarely anyone likes to be accountable these days, make tough decisions or feel somewhat exposed due to having a different wordview or core values, despite it’s that what makes life so interesting and brings society forward. Being willing to not conform with the masses and being the fish swimming against the current can be hard, but I’m looking for more role models with sufficient public platform - true (thought) leaders - who will make being good human beings look cool again.

On emotional skills and vulnerability

Anger (manifesting as aggression) is a cover emotion for deeper, unprocessed hurt, so if more people were wholly accepting of their shadows, projection of uncomfortable feelings and (passive) aggression wouldn’t have become so normalized. It’s this emotional integration and acceptance of both of our light and dark sides that makes us emotionally whole. I think great parenting is important to teach emotional regulation and to develop of a healthy self-image, even more so as these skills are not really taught in our educational system (which I think should change).

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Contrary to the currently widely propagated zeitgeist, I think aggression is not cool. No matter what you’re going through and what reasons you might have for feeling a certain way, there’s an expiry date for acting out - the end of childhood. It’s a controversial stance but the fact we’re glorifying aggression as a society is a reflection of us not being willing to take responsibility for our emotions, of us lacking adequate socialization and, in a sense, of staying children. We don’t want to get lost in the lost boys chapter of our lives (as Taylor Swift brilliantly put it) and not be Peter Pans. Our society is not Neverland: Why do we still engage in escapism of our own inner turmoil and consider this type of mentality where we are free from accountability a utopia?

I hope, if new role models emerge and we become more aware of our own mental health, aggression in whatever form, albeit unlikely to be completely eliminated, will at least become utterly uncool again.

Someone needs to open our eyes, and this someone can even be ourselves, and let us know that even the lost boys must return home to London one day. And that “home” can be a beautiful place - if we make it so.