Six unmistakable signs that someone is good for you
A reminder of how we can identify toxic people and have genuine connections in our lives
Please let me let out a long-suppressed sigh. When it comes to human-to-human connections, I feel like things are more difficult than ever:
Why have open communication and vulnerability become so rare?
Why is it so hard to find a life partner these days?
Why do minor conflicts lead to the end of long friendships?
Why has ghosting people including friends become such a dangerously accepted standard?
Why do human beings treat each other like they are replaceable?
And why do we pretend not to care?
Are we all asleep?
Not everything is obviously bad but if you found your head nodding silently to one of the above questions then you know that navigating social interactions these days is a bit like swimming in shark-infested waters. You better know what you’re getting into - and you better come prepared to protect yourself.
Changing other people is a task that no one should aim to achieve. It’s hardly possible, it takes too much out of us and simultaneously robs the other person of a valuable life lesson: That their actions have consequences.
You are not a personal safety net shielding them from the consequences of their mistakes. If they can’t meet you where you’re at in terms of respect and effort invested into your connection, they do not deserve the privilege of being in your life.
Unfortunately, in my experience, these people rarely respond to logical reasoning and you trying to convince them into bettering themselves, no matter how hard you try. What they do respond to, is dignified action and implementing boundaries.
If convincing leads to no results, the only remaining option is to change ourselves and to become wise in who we accept into our lives.
Here are six signs how you can recognize that a person is for you and should be in your life:
1. They make their intentions clear
Have you ever had a person in your life that made you guess their intentions? Then you might know how infuriating it is to be kept in the dark while still being used as a passing time candidate. An upright person that is emotionally mature would never make you guess, leave you with uncertainty or waste your time in any way. If you have to guess, make them guess why you have cut them off.
2. Communication is easy
When both persons are open, authentic and emotionally vulnerable, then communication will always easy. Unless there is a language barrier, communication style or upbringing will not have a big effect in the effectiveness with which you interact.
Why?
Because both parties show up as themselves and signal that there is no judgment - toward the self or toward the other. Open, easy (but not necessarily overly charming) communication is a strong indicator that a person is authentic and is able to form genuine relationships.
3. There is healthy give and take
As we are all busy people, we have no time to run and chase after others to connect with us. Sure, there are times when one person will give more and then it will be the other way around, but if you are constantly "in the blue” (i.e. you writing more messages in the messenger app than the other person), then something is off about the relationship.
4. No intentional or repeated violation of boundaries
Respect of personal boundaries and generally respectful, considerate treatment are the foundation of healthy connections. If a person crosses obvious boundaries once, make it respectfully known that their behavior is hurtful to you.
If they cross boundaries repeatedly, this is a pattern that should trigger re-evaluation on your end regarding whether you want to continue to invest in this connection.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but more than two to three boundary crossings would be a code red alert for me.
5. Not trying to change you
We’re all doing our best in life and no one needs a snarky remark on our life choices or lecture on how to live your life. If a person either does not fully see you (this might be due to their own limitations) or is subversively trying to instill self-doubt in you by invalidating your prowess to make important decisions, it’s probably best to make the executive decision to not take them more seriously than they take themselves.
There is a difference between a person giving genuine advice, encouragement and support and a person berating you as if they had it all figured out. If it feels toxic, then it most likely is.
6. They genuinely care
Lastly, care about someone is turning the needle when it comes to the quality and longevity of relationships. Deep care and concern are what differentiates acquaintances from friends and partners.
Care for you and for your wellbeing let you feel seen, heard and understood. Finding people who genuinely care are hard to come by these days, but finding them is a treasure that you need to hold onto.
While I genuinely wish that finding commonality and connection with others would become more effortless again, following the above hallmarks of healthy relationships can definitely help to weed out people undeserving of our time and attention. Everybody should be able to enjoy uplifting and mutually beneficial relationships not characterized by egoistic motives, taking advantage, manipulation or disrespect.
There is truth to the saying that we are the average of the closest people in our circle. But it’s on us to identify if someone is not meeting our standards by assessing how we feel around them.
Conveniently, our nervous system has an inbuilt alarm to toxic people: We feel unusually on edge around them because our body knows before our mind does. When our body gives us this signal, we must trust it and take the above hallmarks not being met as an additional confirmation.
Always remind yourself: You deserve to have a good life, and to have people in it that reflect that back to you.
Rich and comprehensive list, Katharina.
I think the reason why relationships are ailing is because people are realizing they don't need each other anymore. I don't think relationships were ever something that people really liked per se, just that they needed them.
But now the incentives are waning, cultural and social norms are changing, more people can work and support themselves (thus don't need to be with someone for financial reasons), etc. We need to define new dynamics; we need new reasons for friendships and love. Unlike in the past, we now can really choose to be with someone or not (it's not being externally enforced by social norms).
All things become harder when we have more freedom to choose; this time was always going to come. However, thanks to guidance like the one you offer here, it is possible to decide who is good for us. Even more importantly, it's possible to know who's worth the sacrifice.
Thank you, as always, Katharina.
This is such a great post, Katharina. Really thought-provoking re people and friendships in general. I did some 'house-cleaning' last year, I guess subliminally, on an age-old friendship that had gone tired. I can usually accept anything and everything in people but that nagging feeling that something was off just got to me. Your post today validated it. Thank you.