Being happy or unhappy in life comes down to this one thing

Why achieving happiness is simpler than we think and yet more difficult than ever

Photo by Gabriel Silvério on Unsplash.

As humans, we are connected by our deep desire to be happy. We fundamentally want to feel positive emotions - joy, excitement, connection, love. When we feel happy, we feel alive. It is the very presence of these emotions that makes our life worthwhile and moments so special and memorable.

But what makes us HAPPY?

While this is likely a bit different for everyone, I believe that once we have reached the “love and belonging” step on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we have already achieved a lot of happiness.

Human connection is absolutely key to wellbeing as found by many scientific studies. And conversely, social isolation has been linked to an increased susceptibility to illness and even premature death.

Feeling part of a community helps us to feel seen and gives us confidence and identity, and reaching other steps on the hierarchy of needs becomes much easier with a social support system.

A strong social network may help in times of crisis, support with job search or with moving houses. It may also be instrumental in inspiring us to reach our full potential, and give invaluable impulses to apply our talents and abilities.

We might have a blind spot in one or more areas in our lives that only friends, family or partners can point out to us. It is our social connections that can help us become self-actualized, climb the hierarchy of needs more easily and stop us from falling down a step or two.

And yet, why is forming close social bonds harder than ever? Why is it that so many cannot communicate anymore in a way that enables a genuine connection? When have we lost our courage to take risks socially? Life’s magic does not happen in our comfort zone.

This development quite puzzling.

In my view, there are two factors that contribute to this:

Identifying with the external rather than the internal;

An inability or fear of being “vulnerable”.

Let me explain.

Identifying with the external rather than the internal:

As we have often heard, having too much choice often leads to indecision and never feeling fulfilled. On paper, it’s hard to deny that we collectively have more opportunities than ever - more people attend university and have access to great education, which then opens up a variety of career options.

We can easily order goods online and have them immediately available to us. Through social media, we can theoretically connect to more people than ever. In the pre-internet years, many things that we accept as normal now were truly unthinkable then.

The problem is: Nowadays there is always “more”, and where there is “more” there is also “better”…

We often do not focus anymore on what we have but on what do don’t have, fear of missing out is real these days. And by focusing so much on what is “out there” we miss what is “in here” - in our heart, in our emotions and in our general psychology.

And just like this, many can easily lose touch with themselves. Without understanding ourselves on a profound level, relating to others in a meaningful way will always be incredibly difficult.

An inability or fear of being vulnerable:

I believe that the best connections can be formed with people that either have not lost or have done the necessary inner work to re-learn the ability to be vulnerable. Vulnerable is a big word. In my view, the better word is simply “authenticity”.

Authenticity is the art of not editing or hiding parts of ourselves in an attempt to come across a certain way. It means loving and accepting us fully so that we do not fear judgment and rejection.

Even if others judge or reject us, we always have our own back and our own unwavering support. That is enough simply because we are enough.

I think age helps with developing this kind of deep self-love, as when we are younger we are still seeking and forming our identity through what others mirror back to us.

With life experience, we learn to accept that rejection is part of life and that avoiding negative emotions and editing ourselves for social approval is a form of self-rejection in the end.

Different people get there on different timelines, but self-acceptance always takes work and the willingness to look within. It is always worth it, and it gets easier with time.

When we fully accept ourselves and do not fear to be seen, connecting with others becomes surprisingly natural. We see the human being within ourselves and in the person across from us, and bond authentically over our shared experiences.

For me personally, meaningful social connections are the foundation and the multiplier of lasting happiness, but the starting point lies within each one of us.

In the end, we determine the quality of our relationships through the quality of our relationship with ourselves.

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