If this happens to you, it’s a major compliment in disguise
On emotional triggers and lobster buckets
Did you ever experience that someone just seemed triggered by you? Triggering people has always been the biggest enigma for me, sending my HSP mind into overdrive:
What? How? Why???
Did I (?!?!?!?) provoke this???
It’s hard to wrap our head around. Some people seem to react to us without us consciously contributing anything to it. An avalanche of snarky remarks, defensive body language, someone dismissing our (very good) ideas every. single. time. or excluding us whenever possible. Or you just have this telling gut feeling that this person doesn’t like you and you don’t know why. If this sounds familiar, here are, in my humble view, three main reasons why you evoke these strong emotional reactions in others and why it shouldn’t be a confidence killer (but quite the opposite).
You see through them
You have been told that you’re a deep thinker? Then you probably absorb and subconsciously assess every nuance of a person and not just what they present at face value. You never just scratch the surface with people, making it easy for you to form deep and meaningful connections. Some people, however, are not as comfortable with this level of vulnerability, perhaps because it’s scary for them (past trauma) or because they have unhealed parts within themselves that they prefer to keep hidden. Some people don’t want to be seen because they don’t fully see themselves (yet). To protect themselves, they keep you at arm’s length or are dismissive but it’s because of this special superpower that you have, not because something is wrong with you.
You are their mirror (of what they are not)
The ego is a funny little fella. It can’t accept that we’re all imperfect beings and that having weaknesses won’t make us unworthy or unlovable. When the ego feels attacked, it attacks the attacker. You’re diligent and responsible while they slack off? Then you’ll likely trigger them because on a subconscious level, they wish they were more disciplined. You’re having good relations with friends and family while they’re more disagreeable and not so fun to be around? Again, they see what you have and it creates pain for them, and you trigger them. You save monthly and have crystal clear financial goals while they’re more of a carefree spender? Well, I think we know what’s going on.
You are whole and confident (and it’s rare)
If you’re internally whole and authentically confident, you stand out, simply because true core confidence - being at peace with all parts of yourself - is a rarity. When your cup is full, others will naturally want to take from you. Unfortunately, this taking is not always done in a civil manner. In the worst case, it can present itself as bullying (if people haven’t learned to deal with their own trauma and emotions, or feel threatened in their social status). But still, potentially against widespread belief, targets of social aggressors are not only the “underdogs” but very often the ones who appear to “have it all”. If you haven’t heard of the "lobster effect", this effect describes this social phenomenon very well.
When putting lobsters in a bucket, you can observe how they’ll begin to try to climb out. Just when one reaches the edge of the bucket, it gets pulled down again by the others.
Lesson being: If you climb too high, others will naturally try to bring you down again. It’s (survival) instinct.
You can see, when someone gets triggered by us, it’s actually a major compliment in disguise. You must be doing something right, otherwise you wouldn’t draw this amount of attention to you and experience the adversity you experience.
You’ve still potentially asked yourself what you can do to stop triggering people.
That’s easy: YOU CAN’T. It’s not our responsibility to take care of the mental states of others and it’s futile and draining of our energy to anticipate when someone else might feel triggered. We all have a life to live. You do you and let them do them.
It’s an overused expression by now but hurt people hurt people, and chances are they don’t want someone holding their face in front of a mirror to make them see their reflection and realize that their life is nothing but their own responsibility.
You’re that mirror.
It’s painful - the trigger is an unhealed wound after all - but used wisely, if they actually dare to take the shyest glance at themselves and their wounds, it can propel them ahead in life, too.
For me, when someone triggers me, I’ve now made it a habit to ask myself why I’m feeling this way. It’s mostly because I’m envious of that person in some way. But envy is not necessarily bad, it’s just an emotion (“e”nergy in motion), a sign to explore what I’m missing in my own life and then I usually work to change exactly that. I’m not perfect by any standards but I’ve become better and better by applying this mindset, at least compared to the only person that I (or anyone else) need(s) to compete with: The past self.
Scan in your environment who triggers you and then use this person as your role model - you’d be surprised how your life changes for the better and how you’re suddenly sent on this incredible journey of self-discovery. If a person doesn’t trigger you anymore, you’ll know that you’ve now emulated and successfully caught up with them. And what a great achievement that is, especially one that you can replicate as often as you want.
In spite all of this, what if we’re still hurt by others being triggered by us, if we’re unable to see what this is really about? Well, we can still pretend we’re anthropologists doing research about the complexities of human nature. It sounds hilarious (I know) but I swear it will give some perspective and detachment from the situation. We’ll become curious observers instead of main characters in a drama we’re not particularly keen to be involved in.
“Well that behavior is… interesting, why would this homo sapiens POSSIBLY behave like this?”
Long story short, if someone attempts to pull you down (or seems otherwise triggered for no apparent reason), take it in stride and realize you either see through them or you’re the one lobster about to crawl over the edge of the bucket. Be proud, but remain humble - and keep evolving.
And if you’ve ever managed to escape the lobster bucket altogether, let me know in the comments - I’m curious… (… and might dare to follow you over the edge then 🦞.)
P.S.: If you enjoyed reading this article, I also highly recommend this great and nuanced post by
on envy or this very relatable and encouraging post by on how to learn from setbacks at work.
What a fitting metaphor!!! I love it! Such a great insightful essay! It always makes me happy seeing your email in my inbox.
I have observed that narcissists are living at the bottom of the lobster pot. They are in acute pain and collect their minions around them. Anyone who decides to escape the boiling pot gets shamed.
I had to cut contact with several boiling lobsters 😘. It was the only way to get my joy for life back. It went completely against my deeply empathic nature to leave someone in the boiling pot. And it has also been the greatest opportunity for me to put boundaries in place and to not get worried when I shine my light brightly. Thanks to my leaving and my boundaries I can now enjoy my empathic nature so much more. Instead of letting others steal it from me in the pot, I can refill myself in the wildness which, as an empath, is something I have to remind myself to do every day 😄
I finally realized I needed to remove myself from the lobster bucket, and that took both physically moving myself across the country as well as emotionally detaching from the lobsters who were doing the pulling. It’s easier said than done, but sense of freedom is liberating.