What a fitting metaphor!!! I love it! Such a great insightful essay! It always makes me happy seeing your email in my inbox.
I have observed that narcissists are living at the bottom of the lobster pot. They are in acute pain and collect their minions around them. Anyone who decides to escape the boiling pot gets shamed.
I had to cut contact with several boiling lobsters 😘. It was the only way to get my joy for life back. It went completely against my deeply empathic nature to leave someone in the boiling pot. And it has also been the greatest opportunity for me to put boundaries in place and to not get worried when I shine my light brightly. Thanks to my leaving and my boundaries I can now enjoy my empathic nature so much more. Instead of letting others steal it from me in the pot, I can refill myself in the wildness which, as an empath, is something I have to remind myself to do every day 😄
Dear Katja, thank you so much for your kind comment. I’m so happy that you left the toxic people behind, I’m pretty sure I also crossed paths with a few narcissists in my life and I relate deeply to what you wrote about leaving them (how hard it is). But it’s so worth it in the end. Always preserve your empathy - only weak people choose to exploit this beautiful trait! 🤍🤍🤍
I finally realized I needed to remove myself from the lobster bucket, and that took both physically moving myself across the country as well as emotionally detaching from the lobsters who were doing the pulling. It’s easier said than done, but sense of freedom is liberating.
Wow - I enjoyed reading this, a conversational yet introspective writing style.
When we self reflect these are the top three - we see through them, we have qualities they don't, or we are confident in ourselves. [ differing values, beliefs are at play at times]
The lobster example shows how people will try to bring us down when we are doing well, because it threatens them. But we shouldn't let that stop us from continuing to grow and improve ourselves.
Thanks for sharing Katharina and mentioning my article :-)
Hey Katharina, this is such a beautiful post. Being a sensitive person and recovering people pleaser, I relate to most part of it. But the mirror part has my heart as I have lived through that alot. People not liking you or trying hard to remove you from certain places or settings as you trigger something in them which is unresolved in them. They think by removing you, they have attained peace. That's true too as it's hard to deal with triggers for most of us, if you don't see them as an opportunity for growth. Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)
Dear Harneek - thank you so much for your comment! I fully relate to your words, for the longest time I also struggled with blocked opportunities because of this. It’s sad that it happens but it’s a hidden compliment to you. 🌸 I just don’t understand why people persist in this mental attitude - I feel like personally even when I feel envious temporarily, I always overcome it and try not to show it to the other person. People are so complex 😕.
Excellent essay, Katharina. (Thanks, also, for the mention and reference to that essay of mine.)
Particularly enjoyed that section on being their mirror. We see ourselves in others, and we detest qualities that are ugly and praise those we like. However, and as you show, we also see what we aren't, and are triggered by the many good things they may be that we aren't (yet).
Others' behavior has little to do with us - we'll not have caused it - just as our triggering will have little to do with them.
Being triggered isn't all bad, it shows that we see things we should change. No time for envy. If you see something you like, become it. If others won't do the same and choose to die of envy, that's their problem.
ok I am SAVING THIS POST. This is something that has bothered me for years. You finally put words to something that I could never figure out, thank you for sharing!
“Always preserve your empathy.” Oh my, yes. I had to walk away from the person I love most in the world. We were clearly mirrors for each other. While I treasured my reflection, beauty and flaws alike, he couldn’t seem to face his. It’s heartbreaking to see and love someone so completely when doing so constantly triggers their fear and self-loathing.
When my empathy began to turn to indifference, I knew there was no space left to grow and breathe if I stayed in the bucket with him. I was consistently being pulled to the bottom. The only way to preserve the deep love and gratitude I feel for him and the growth in facing my reflection (and learning to love who I saw for the first time in my life!) was to climb out.
I’m having to meet the pain and guilt I feel for leaving him boiling in the bucket with deep compassion. I remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, that he’s the only one who can choose to climb out. Much as I want to, and much as I tried, no amount of empathy and loving kindness can rescue someone who isn’t willing to climb out with you. I knew if I stayed I would drown. I love us both enough not to allow that.
Exactly!!! It’s not worth it to keep on giving to someone who is not willing to receive and to put in the work to change for the better. Probably a very tough decision but so worth it in the long run. 🤍🤍🤍
That's a wonderful analogy to put across in terms of "Lobster effect". All of us do relate to the same and find our own little ways to deal the same. Perhaps, many a times, we don't even realize that it has engulfed us on so much that it starts impacting our own selves. Very well articulated on how to traverse through these surmounting emotions which takes us away from our true selves.
Being whole and confident is indeed rare. This reality is unbelievable to most people and therefore, as the lobsters do, the only option is to pull you back down under. Great post!
So true, and I appreciate your work to show how and why people pull each other down and how to look at the positive perspectives. By the way, I learned the metaphor as crabs in a bucket. lol. Great job on getting your points across to the reader. Thank you!
I really enjoyed reading this. I was instantly drawn in with the title, and I resonated with so much of what you have described perfectly. It almost sounds or feels cocky to admit that I have this ability. To see through someone, or rather to know myself so thoroughly (enough), to recognize when someone is likely treating me poorly in a situation that doesn't warrant it. Being comfortable with vulnerability is really a muscle to be worked out all the time, I feel. It can hurt but then feels really good down the line.
The expression of 'hurt people hurt people' is so so simple, but really deep and helpful when you allow yourself to dive into how it can apply everywhere. It opens the door for empathy and has allowed me to not take things so personally.
What a fitting metaphor!!! I love it! Such a great insightful essay! It always makes me happy seeing your email in my inbox.
I have observed that narcissists are living at the bottom of the lobster pot. They are in acute pain and collect their minions around them. Anyone who decides to escape the boiling pot gets shamed.
I had to cut contact with several boiling lobsters 😘. It was the only way to get my joy for life back. It went completely against my deeply empathic nature to leave someone in the boiling pot. And it has also been the greatest opportunity for me to put boundaries in place and to not get worried when I shine my light brightly. Thanks to my leaving and my boundaries I can now enjoy my empathic nature so much more. Instead of letting others steal it from me in the pot, I can refill myself in the wildness which, as an empath, is something I have to remind myself to do every day 😄
Dear Katja, thank you so much for your kind comment. I’m so happy that you left the toxic people behind, I’m pretty sure I also crossed paths with a few narcissists in my life and I relate deeply to what you wrote about leaving them (how hard it is). But it’s so worth it in the end. Always preserve your empathy - only weak people choose to exploit this beautiful trait! 🤍🤍🤍
I finally realized I needed to remove myself from the lobster bucket, and that took both physically moving myself across the country as well as emotionally detaching from the lobsters who were doing the pulling. It’s easier said than done, but sense of freedom is liberating.
I can imagine, dear Jim! I CONGRATULATE you! Life must be so much better now! 💪💪💪
It is! I’m coming up on 60. Better late than never!
Wow - I enjoyed reading this, a conversational yet introspective writing style.
When we self reflect these are the top three - we see through them, we have qualities they don't, or we are confident in ourselves. [ differing values, beliefs are at play at times]
The lobster example shows how people will try to bring us down when we are doing well, because it threatens them. But we shouldn't let that stop us from continuing to grow and improve ourselves.
Thanks for sharing Katharina and mentioning my article :-)
Thank you so much, Tinashe! 🤗🤍
Hey Katharina, this is such a beautiful post. Being a sensitive person and recovering people pleaser, I relate to most part of it. But the mirror part has my heart as I have lived through that alot. People not liking you or trying hard to remove you from certain places or settings as you trigger something in them which is unresolved in them. They think by removing you, they have attained peace. That's true too as it's hard to deal with triggers for most of us, if you don't see them as an opportunity for growth. Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)
Dear Harneek - thank you so much for your comment! I fully relate to your words, for the longest time I also struggled with blocked opportunities because of this. It’s sad that it happens but it’s a hidden compliment to you. 🌸 I just don’t understand why people persist in this mental attitude - I feel like personally even when I feel envious temporarily, I always overcome it and try not to show it to the other person. People are so complex 😕.
Excellent essay, Katharina. (Thanks, also, for the mention and reference to that essay of mine.)
Particularly enjoyed that section on being their mirror. We see ourselves in others, and we detest qualities that are ugly and praise those we like. However, and as you show, we also see what we aren't, and are triggered by the many good things they may be that we aren't (yet).
Others' behavior has little to do with us - we'll not have caused it - just as our triggering will have little to do with them.
Being triggered isn't all bad, it shows that we see things we should change. No time for envy. If you see something you like, become it. If others won't do the same and choose to die of envy, that's their problem.
Thank you so much, Patrick! 🤗🙏
ok I am SAVING THIS POST. This is something that has bothered me for years. You finally put words to something that I could never figure out, thank you for sharing!
Aw, your comment made my day!! 🤗 Thank you so much, dear Elizabeth!
<3
Loved this Katharina- emotional triggers can be so tricky to nail down. Thank you for outlining several different ways it can appear.
More than welcome, dear K. Alexandra 🤍🤗. Thank you for your kind comment!!
“Always preserve your empathy.” Oh my, yes. I had to walk away from the person I love most in the world. We were clearly mirrors for each other. While I treasured my reflection, beauty and flaws alike, he couldn’t seem to face his. It’s heartbreaking to see and love someone so completely when doing so constantly triggers their fear and self-loathing.
When my empathy began to turn to indifference, I knew there was no space left to grow and breathe if I stayed in the bucket with him. I was consistently being pulled to the bottom. The only way to preserve the deep love and gratitude I feel for him and the growth in facing my reflection (and learning to love who I saw for the first time in my life!) was to climb out.
I’m having to meet the pain and guilt I feel for leaving him boiling in the bucket with deep compassion. I remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, that he’s the only one who can choose to climb out. Much as I want to, and much as I tried, no amount of empathy and loving kindness can rescue someone who isn’t willing to climb out with you. I knew if I stayed I would drown. I love us both enough not to allow that.
Exactly!!! It’s not worth it to keep on giving to someone who is not willing to receive and to put in the work to change for the better. Probably a very tough decision but so worth it in the long run. 🤍🤍🤍
That's a wonderful analogy to put across in terms of "Lobster effect". All of us do relate to the same and find our own little ways to deal the same. Perhaps, many a times, we don't even realize that it has engulfed us on so much that it starts impacting our own selves. Very well articulated on how to traverse through these surmounting emotions which takes us away from our true selves.
Being whole and confident is indeed rare. This reality is unbelievable to most people and therefore, as the lobsters do, the only option is to pull you back down under. Great post!
Thank you so much, Ian! Really happy that you liked it. 🤗
😍😍
So true, and I appreciate your work to show how and why people pull each other down and how to look at the positive perspectives. By the way, I learned the metaphor as crabs in a bucket. lol. Great job on getting your points across to the reader. Thank you!
🤗🤗, thank you, Robin!
embracing the 🤗🤗 - my pleasure, Katharina, nice to meet you here, too.
I wish you a fantastic weekend! 🌞🌞🌞
Thank you, Katharina! And, Fantastic weekend to you, too!!!
This has helped resolve some lingering "why" with a past friendship/coworker-ship that ended terribly. Thanks for this insight!
I really enjoyed reading this. I was instantly drawn in with the title, and I resonated with so much of what you have described perfectly. It almost sounds or feels cocky to admit that I have this ability. To see through someone, or rather to know myself so thoroughly (enough), to recognize when someone is likely treating me poorly in a situation that doesn't warrant it. Being comfortable with vulnerability is really a muscle to be worked out all the time, I feel. It can hurt but then feels really good down the line.
The expression of 'hurt people hurt people' is so so simple, but really deep and helpful when you allow yourself to dive into how it can apply everywhere. It opens the door for empathy and has allowed me to not take things so personally.
To crawling over the top of the bucket!
Thank you so much, Romio! 🤍