‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit: A personal view on aging

On identity crises and becoming REAL

Photo by Oxana Lyashenko on Unsplash.

🐴🐇 ‘Real isn’t how you are made’, said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

(Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit)

This week, I realized that I’m getting old.

Not old-old, but looking at the teens and twens on the streets I, for the first time, really realized that I’m not part of this age group anymore.

I don’t know the latest pop artists (where did N’Sync and Britney go?) and recently I was looking down at my clothes pondering if they look “too young” on me.

Ten years ago, I remember the Millennial generation being hailed as the “leaders of tomorrow”, but all indicators now lead me to believe that that tomorrow is today: No one in the media talks about Millennials as the voices of the future anymore, this role and responsibility has now been bestowed upon Gen Z.

Don’t get me wrong: I like a lot of things about getting older - the internal confidence, the tendency to give less “effs” about things and the surprisingly guilt-free prioritization of my own physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.

Entering my thirties has been a relief in many respects. In fact: The beginning of my thirties was FANTASTIC, for the first time I could totally let go of societal expectations. I felt free.

I think we still experience age-related identity shifts because we’ve only ever known ourselves as a person of a specific age: How are we supposed to be as a person of middle age (or even of old age)? Are we supposed to act different, dress different, or even have a different approach to life?

I felt myself confronted with how I hadn’t found out or defined for myself what my identity should be at this more middle-aged phase of life.

This holds true for any transitional phase - you might feel this internal shift at a random point, or specifically when your kids move out or you’re entering retirement age.

🐴🐇 ‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.’

(Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit)

But what makes people successful at aging mentality-wise?

For one, in my observation, they’re more detached from identifying with their age as a number, and seem not concerned at all about “age-appropriate identity”. Their attention is in and on the present moment, living and celebrating time on this planet as the magic that it is. If they want to wear something extravagant, well “eff” it, then they do not think twice how it comes across, they just express themselves.

Successful aging and maturing in my view also comes with a great vibe that radiates from within, a vibe of depth, of experience and of a firm character and personality, of people knowing exactly who they are and what they want. A vibe that can draw people in and that makes them come to you for advice.

Apparently, the older I get, based on recent interactions, others see this “vibe” in me more as well. I should take it as a compliment that I’ve emotionally matured into a more well-rounded human being, someone that others like to connect to in a meaningful way.

With more life experience, we’ve explored - and endured - the full spectrum of human emotions and we proudly wear our battle scars as a batch of honor. When we’re young, we’re like a pencil drawing, immaculate in many ways but many of us lacked depth and nuance. With age, we change. We suddenly have different colors and different textures, altered proportions and we require interpretation. We will not be for everyone anymore. That’s what’s called art and that’s what experts say are true masterpieces.

With age, we become REAL. That’s how I choose to see myself and my identity from now on. Real.

And after giving it further thought, it’s nothing we have to fear.

🐴🐇 ‘Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.

But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’

(Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit)

Photo by Suzanne D. Williams on Unsplash.

My dear readers:

A BIG thank you for all of your support. Kindly note that this summer will be particularly busy for me in my professional life so there might be slightly longer gaps between posts - but they are coming. I enjoy reading every comment from you letting me know that one of my posts resonated with you or could help you in some way. I’m REALLY super touched and it means the WORLD.

THANK YOU 🙏 ☺️.

P.S.: I’m super curious about your experiences with aging, maturing and identity shifts. How did you experience this? If you want, let me know in the comments. 🤍 Xo - Katharina